Dear readers, I thought of redefining myself. Because I think I am slowly losing the true meaning of being me. I chose to write, for I believe my words sound better from my hands rather than my voice.
It has been 3 months (give or take) since I finished my diploma studies. I am expected to graduate in late August (in shaa Allah). However, ever since I came back home, (surely I felt relief, more relaxed and I enjoyed the free time that I have longed for) I was not being productive at all, not to the fullest anyway. Because of that, I felt empty; my mind suddenly craves for that thrill of work, assignments that challenge your imagination and your moral being (ha-ha). I want to improve myself, since I have all the time in the world, by being better in every way possible. Unfortunately, laziness came stumbling through my front door and I embraced it with warm and cuddly hugs every night (sigh).
From time to time, my consciousness to improve came knocking once a week, telling myself: You should be doing something now! Later, news came flooding; most of my classmate has started doing something beneficial in their lives; they started working. Regardless, if it were a part-time job, or better, work in an architectural firm! Then I felt it. The pain was like a slap right across my face. My pride wounded, my ego hurt. I kept telling myself; It’s alright mate, you’ll get your fair share when its time. I am unemployed and still living with my parent’s money.
I feel like I can do so much more, so much better and the thoughts came creeping until anger boils inside me. Feeling enrage at myself for holding myself back to something much more greater, I weep in my sleep, feeling dejected and so much jealousy to those who are able to do what they studied for and not wasting the knowledge that were gain all these years. The worse thing is, I feel like, if I don’t use this knowledge that I strive to learn, it’s going to leave me to die in rust. Like you have a knife and you don’t use it, it will slowly become blunt. I am trying hard not to forget or let any of my memories to die.
#np - cool kids by echosmith